I used to be a profesional grudge holder (as one of my poems stated) and no matter how much I would read about forgiveness or hear people talk motivational kind of stuff about it I just couldn't do it. I always believed it was fair to stay angry at someone if they did you wrong. The thing I would always fail to see has how that was damaging me. But oh believe me, when I've finally changed the way I perceive forgiveness I got rid of a lot of headaches and my life really improved.
The things that really changed my perception of forgiveness were two phrases and a book :). The two phrases that caught my attention were: " Holding a grudge is like allowing someone to live rentfree in your mind" - I roared when I realized that's true. The mindblower however was: "you're not even angry because they did something wrong, you're angry because it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, which makes you a selfish little b...".
Trust me, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You may wonder why...
- Do you know that when you are feeling angry/frustrated about something, when you hold a grudge, your brain perceives all the sadness or anger as if it's happening right now? When your brain feels in danger, whether it’s real or just imagined, the body responds with a defensive mechanism know as “fight-or-flight” reaction, or the stress response. This mechanism is your body's way of protecting you. Of course in certain events, such as emergency situation this will save your life by giving you extra strength to defend yourself, for example. BUT, when there's no emergency, this mechanism will damage your health. Unforgiveness can cause disease. It can actually make you sick, by acting as if you are in danger and consuming way more energy for no reason, and not just that. You should google doctors opinion on stress, anger and resentment for better explanations :).
- Unforgiveness often leads depression. It keeps you in this vicious circle where you keep thinking back (relieving actually) about what happened and why you are angry at someone, or why you cannot forgive them.
- Unforgiveness keeps you tied to that person and the past. Because whenever you see them, see someone that resembles them, or hear their name, you immediately recall the bad experience you had his those people, hence it'll send your mind in a past loop.
- Unforgiveness fills you with resentment, it makes you feel blue :(. And usually when that happens, you tend to take it out on the ones that are close to you at that time...which is always so unfair.
- Do you know that when you are feeling angry/frustrated about something, when you hold a grudge, your brain perceives all the sadness or anger as if it's happening right now? When your brain feels in danger, whether it’s real or just imagined, the body responds with a defensive mechanism know as “fight-or-flight” reaction, or the stress response. This mechanism is your body's way of protecting you. Of course in certain events, such as emergency situation this will save your life by giving you extra strength to defend yourself, for example. BUT, when there's no emergency, this mechanism will damage your health. Unforgiveness can cause disease. It can actually make you sick, by acting as if you are in danger and consuming way more energy for no reason, and not just that. You should google doctors opinion on stress, anger and resentment for better explanations :).
- Unforgiveness often leads depression. It keeps you in this vicious circle where you keep thinking back (relieving actually) about what happened and why you are angry at someone, or why you cannot forgive them.
- Unforgiveness keeps you tied to that person and the past. Because whenever you see them, see someone that resembles them, or hear their name, you immediately recall the bad experience you had his those people, hence it'll send your mind in a past loop.
- Unforgiveness fills you with resentment, it makes you feel blue :(. And usually when that happens, you tend to take it out on the ones that are close to you at that time...which is always so unfair.
The most important things you need to understand about forgiveness is:
1. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to accept those people as part of your life. It also doesn't mean you can/should trust them again. It just means you no longer hold on to those bad thoughts about them, don't feel the need to prepare a delicious cold dish of revenge or relieve those past events.
2. Forgiveness cuts the threats keeping you tied in the past. Forgiveness is literally setting yourself free from those bad thoughts and feelings.
1. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to accept those people as part of your life. It also doesn't mean you can/should trust them again. It just means you no longer hold on to those bad thoughts about them, don't feel the need to prepare a delicious cold dish of revenge or relieve those past events.
2. Forgiveness cuts the threats keeping you tied in the past. Forgiveness is literally setting yourself free from those bad thoughts and feelings.
3. Forgiveness helps you grow and develop. After you decide to forgive someone that had hurt you in the past, you release those bad thoughts and feelings that took your time, you'll have that time to think positive thoughts. Also, once you let go of seeing yourself as a victim because of what that person did to you, you take responsability for your happiness.
4. Forgiveness helps you heal. As I said before, not letting go of the past, constantly relieving those events keep you in the "flight-of-fight" reaction. As soon as you let go of those thoughts and resentments, the body functions under normal circumstances... imagine how relieving that must be. Just try this: hold a frown for five minutes. After those minutes pass relax your facial muscles, just let them be-see how good that feels.
5. Forgiveness is for your benefit, not the other. The other couldn't give more of a f...fish :) if you forgive them or not, whereas when you are feeling like a victim, you are the one carrying a heavy burden. Forgiveness allows you to get out of the spiderweb or regrets, pain and frustration.
Also, most of the times, the others don't even mean to hurt you, they just have their own messed up lives, and usually there's one of these two situations that causes their behaviour:
1. They envy you for your talent/beauty/mind/whatever it may be and they try to bring you down so that they can feel better about themselves.
2. They think they know what's best for you, case in which they actually want what's best for you. There are also many people that give tough love too much credit and overreact when using it.
Hoping I convinced you to start forgiving I'll wish you the best, and send you my hugs for being brave enough to stop being a victim. And in case you ever need to talk to someone, or need to be heard out, just send me a mail and I'll get back asap. :)
4. Forgiveness helps you heal. As I said before, not letting go of the past, constantly relieving those events keep you in the "flight-of-fight" reaction. As soon as you let go of those thoughts and resentments, the body functions under normal circumstances... imagine how relieving that must be. Just try this: hold a frown for five minutes. After those minutes pass relax your facial muscles, just let them be-see how good that feels.
5. Forgiveness is for your benefit, not the other. The other couldn't give more of a f...fish :) if you forgive them or not, whereas when you are feeling like a victim, you are the one carrying a heavy burden. Forgiveness allows you to get out of the spiderweb or regrets, pain and frustration.
Also, most of the times, the others don't even mean to hurt you, they just have their own messed up lives, and usually there's one of these two situations that causes their behaviour:
1. They envy you for your talent/beauty/mind/whatever it may be and they try to bring you down so that they can feel better about themselves.
2. They think they know what's best for you, case in which they actually want what's best for you. There are also many people that give tough love too much credit and overreact when using it.
Hoping I convinced you to start forgiving I'll wish you the best, and send you my hugs for being brave enough to stop being a victim. And in case you ever need to talk to someone, or need to be heard out, just send me a mail and I'll get back asap. :)
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